Thursday, February 12, 2015

Security versus supposed happiness

Recently, I've made quite a large decision. I've decided not to pursue a degree in architecture, as has been my plan. I've realized that being an architect would all wow-za and cool, and I'd probably be somewhat successful as an architect (I mean, you always have to be optimistic, right?), but... Is it a good choice?

No. I asked myself, what benefits does working in architecture have over engineering? Not many, actually. The logical thing to do is screw drawing buildings. But it's not that easy.

It's a question of reason balancing versus some sort of passion. It's a seesaw with supposed happiness at one end and financial security on the other. A friend of mine in similar peril actually described this conundrum as life's toughest question.

But I've always been logical. I've never been a very passionate sort. That's why I'm becoming an engineer. I just hope it's not a decision that puts me working in a lonely cubicle at 50, with me wishing I'd have become an architect instead. But, I guess the grass is always greener - You can't escape being regretful once in a while.

My path in architecture is a little bit like this drawing. Unfinished and disappointing. 

I started drawing from a reference. It was an exciting subject, but it didn't turn out as I'd hoped. Soon, I ran out of lead in my pencil. The paper rested on the table for some time, right by my PC. Every time I see it, I'm bothered by how the proportions aren't working out, by the weirdness. I refilled my mechanical pencil today, and set to work again, despite being left disappointed by past failure. I think I drew 3 random lines in his beard, and then I decided I won't continue.

Similarly, I went out and bought the two boxes I would use to send in the preliminary assignments for my application. Now they're just two regular postal parcels.

P.S. Tonight that same radio show is on again. This time, it's lesbian night. I'm outspokenly pro-gay, but having a "lesbian night" on a one-person music programme is a fucking retarded outset.


  1. Dude, I can relate. I'm constantly wondering whether I should pursue something music related and/or creative, or if I should just settle for a stable job as a teacher, which I'll begin studying for this autumn. I guess I'm currently headed for somewhat of a middle road. Being a teacher is a pretty good job for someone with a lot of side projects. Still more than one of my previous jobs can be summarized to me playing the piano, so I know I could work something out if I really wanted to. Problem is, I don't want to spend my days playing other peoples' music, which is by far the easiest way to get paid when working with music. I'd much rather compose tracks myself. Which is what I'm doing at the moment. I just spent more than 20 hours on a track these past three days. And these days flew by without me noticing, as it wasn't boring at all!
    It feels as if everyone is trying to pressure me into getting a job right now, becuase to the outside world, it seems as I just spend my days on the computer doing nothing, but now that I finally have some free time, I'd much rather use it to see what I can go for, by composing and doing things that I love. That, and actually spending something else than time on my projects (money for new virtual instruements and such).

    I hope your decision works out for you. Afterall, being an engineer doesn't mean you can't also draw buildings during your spare time ;)

    1. In the end, it's not drawing buildings that interests me. It could just as well be furniture design, or items. The creative process itself has intrinsic value and is very appealing to me. But still, being an architect means creating something greater. Sometimes more is more and bigger is better.

      I think my choice will work out just fine. I'm sure a separation between work and hobby can be a good thing. Besides, I don't think I'm as passionate about drawing as you are about music. I'm just sort of good at drawing, but it's not like I actually do it that often.

      I'm feeling the pressure to get a job, I really am. It feels pretty horrible that I've been just unemployed for almost two months. But it's difficult. I realized today, that someone who has worked summers since the age of 15 has over a year more work experience than I. That's super crap for me.


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