Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Nostalgic egoboost

Oh my god. What an awesome and random thing to do.

Today, after work, I went to my old school (From where I graduated about a year ago.) and I was invited by a student, perhaps a bit in jest, to attend a lesson with them. They told me there would be pretty few students attending the lesson, and there would also be cake. I wasn't sure at first, but I didn't really have anything else to do, and I knew the teacher. So I went! We analyzed and discussed about a couple speeches, and we ate cake.

And... Wow. I never knew I missed studying this much. It made me feel really good. In the last 10 months, while I've been in the army, unemployed, and most recently working, I have learned nothing. Well, nothing academic anyway, and I really am quite an academic person. I thrive on trying to be intellectual, it's important to my self-esteem. Attending that lesson and just participating in the discussion was a huge kick for me.

On the flipside, I don't think there's anything that makes me feel more ashamed and worthless than making a stupid mistake, and feeling I'll be perceived as dumb. When I think about it, those kinds of situations make me almost irrationally self-conscious. I mean, in the end, being smart and knowing a lot isn't all that important. Being a good friend, or doing good deeds, those are the kinds of things that actually matter and are what we should all strive for. But yet I put such value in simply being smart. It's actually rather foolish. I'd guess a lot of how I'm feeling is a reflection of the culture we live in. Education and success are very closely linked, and success is the holy grail of western culture.

I realize my blog has taken quite the introspective turn lately. I hope you readers don't mind. I have to write about things that interest me, and there isn't a lot of things happening around me to spark enough interest to warrant an entry on this blog. But I do feel bad for deviating from the blog's purpose, it was never supposed to have much to do with my personal life. 

Anyway, it really made me look forward to starting studying at a university. My life right now feels so very mechanical in comparison.

When I last visited my parents' house, I took the time to scan in some older work! I had forgotten about this one completely, and while the motive of a zebra in a suit isn't my original idea, I really like it. I especially enjoy the contrast between how stiff the body looks, and how organic and living the head seems. The pattern is also quite lovely and adds quite a lot of depth. When I drew it, I though it was okay at best, but I look back fondly now. Much like how I've felt about studying.


  1. Oh shit. That hit me hard. Oh so very hard. Truer words have never been spoken. It really is messed up to somehow start to equate intelligence and self worth, but oh my if I do it too. All my life I've received praise for being smart and getting good grades so it's really no wonder I've put an equal sign between my value as a person and how well I do academically. Knowledge is such a huge part of me as a person these days. I love knowledge. I love feeling intelligent. And I believe it's important to understand how the world works. But yes, it's the worst feeling ever when you mess up and people might perceive you as stupid. It's even worse when it's a first impression and you know this person will now always view you as slightly ignorant. Just thinking about it gives me shivers down my spine.
    Why did I read your blog in the middle of the night? I don't have time for an existential crisis right now. I have to get up in the morning! Damn you Victor and your thought-provoking blog that I actually really enjoy reading!!!
    (And I really don't mind the more personal stuff. I think it just gives the blog more character and makes it more 'alive' in lack of a better word)
    Thank you and goodnight!

    1. I didn't even always do well in school, so I don't know where I've gotten it from. When I was writing this entry, I was thinking that if you started analyzing things, everything I do really comes from this want to be perceived as intelligent. I read maths and physics in school, I want to become an engineer at a prestigious university, I even text in perfect grammar. And this whole blog is an experiment in showing off, isn't it? Well, no. Not REALLY. I do all of these things for many different reasons. But if you wanted to analyze things, that's the answer you'd likely find. I'm a bit ashamed to admit that, even though in reality it isn't that simple.

      Good to know I'm not the only one who thinks this way!

      The middle of the night is the absolute best time to be reading a blog as well as the perfect time to write one. It's a shame, truly, that I can't stay up until 3 in the morning drawing, and then blog about it anymore. Those are some of the best blogging memories I have.


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